


Every me and Every you

by HistorieforTeller



Series: An Ode at Alcohol [4]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Bite Kink, Blood Kink, Bottom John, Dirty Talk, Dom Javier, Drunk Javier, Javier and John deserve more fanfics, Jealous Javier, Knife Play, M/M, Porn With Plot, Possessive Javier, Relationship Problems, SPANK KINK, Sex, Sub John, Top Javier, Well it's more plot with porn, concerned john, sorry abigail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:21:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistorieforTeller/pseuds/HistorieforTeller
Summary: Abigail needs to talk to John but like always John is busy with Javier, and she tries to understand what's going on between them, why John prefers him to her. She's jealous of Javier, but it seems that he's jealous of her too even if she can't understand why. Can't understand them anymore.
Relationships: Abigail Roberts Marston/John Marston, Arthur Morgan/Charles Smith, Javier Escuella/John Marston
Series: An Ode at Alcohol [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904122
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Every me and Every you

**Author's Note:**

> It's clearly not as happy as the other ones that I write, it's a lot more serious and maybe a bit dark even but I needed to do something like that for them. For this one, it's directly connected to part 3 to An Ode at Alcohol but you don't really need to read it to understand, but it can help with the whole thing with Charles.
> 
> Oh and for once, I find that my title doesn't sound like a porno, I'm happy.

Abigail has had enough to see John vanishing every time that it’s his time to keep an eye on their kid and now she has the intention to find this idiot and to force him to take his responsibilities, again. And well, she has a lot of things to say to him because he never comes to see her to speak. No, like always he does his best to avoid her and runs away every time he hears her calling or searching him, even when it’s night and time to sleep, either he waits for her and Jack to be asleep before coming to bed too, or he goes to sleep first and pretends to be far gone in his dreams when she tries to talk to him. What a man. 

So she’s searching for him, wanting to finally have a fucking conversation which will not end up with both of them screaming and having the urge to kill each other. That would be great. She goes to see the girls who are talking about all the rumors and there is no John, then to Arthur who is with Charles and Hosea, and still no John. Not with Dutch who’s reading, not with Bill who is complaining about his hand and all the cuts on it to Sean, Uncle and Reverend Swanson, and about the fact that Arthur and Javier are mean sons of bitches who are too good with knives. So she has a clue to where her man is. With Javier. And Javier is surely at the table which is the closest to the lake, playing with his blades and also talking with John. These two are something, they are together like they were inseparable whenever they can, she even curses at herself, thinking that she should have thought about this option directly rather than going to see everyone else to ask if they have seen John. She pushes a big sigh and she is finally able to see the men sitting around the table, side by side, their backs at her. They don’t seem to hear her because they are continuing their discussion without paying much attention to her. Maybe they are just ignoring her, that wouldn’t surprise Abigail, the Scottish appears to prefer all other’s presence more than hers. That makes her a bit sad but she’s ready to confront her man and have a good discussion with him, and this time, to make the things change between them. 

She wants to speak but she hears John do it before her, his voice angry: « You should take better care of your fingers! You need it! » he sighs very loudly and she can guess that the Mexican is smiling because his answer is way calmer but a lot more mocking too, even a bit happy « What, you’re worried about me? That I couldn’t use my knives or guns anymore? That’s sweet Johnny. ». But that doesn’t stop John who grabs Javier’s hand and inspects the wounds, seeming very serious and concerned « You need it to play guitar you fool. » he growls and touches the fingers and the cuts on it even more carefully, some blood still fresh. At that Javier shuts up for a moment, only watching John making sure that no wound is looking bad or too deep, visibly touched by what he says and does. Abigail looks at them too, finding these two guys a bit too close for her taste, something is wrong with this. She knows that John plays at this kind of stupid and dangerous games sometimes and even if she told him that it's unsafe and that he could really hurt himself one unluckier day than other, and that she was scared for him, he always throws her concerns and advices away, always saying that she cares too much, that there is no problem and that he is a grown man, he can do what he wants to do. Even if it doesn’t please her. And she never has other choice but to look at him going away, far from her to do something that will scare her. It’s always like that between them. They do no good for each other. It’s like that. But, what makes her angry is that he’s worried for Javier and tells him exactly what she says to him. Why does it matter for Javier and not for himself? She doesn’t understand John anymore. 

But Javier wants to make the mood lighter and make John smile, so with a teasing tone he says, bringing his face closer to John’s: « Well, it was worth it! I ripped Arthur and Bill off, you should have seen them, they were crying for their money. » and it works, the atmosphere is less heavy and John is giggling softly and finally lets go of the hand before replying « I believe you. But Arthur could have thought twice before asking you to play with him! He could have asked to Lenny, he likes playing at that too. » He’s still sulking and Javier is very pleased at that, he pats John on the shoulder and moves his fingers to show him that there is nothing wrong with them and that he’s perfectly fine. « You see? No hay problema. » 

John turns his face to look at Javier and there is something in his eyes, something gentle, even maybe meek. And Javier is looking at him with a thing too, a caring expression on his face. And she doesn’t know why but she can’t stand it, something like jealousy is blooming inside her chest, something ugly and violent, so far from the mood around the two men and she has to destroy whatever they are sharing right now, cutting the silence with her voice « John. I want to talk with you. Now. » She puts her hands on her hips, clearly ready to wait for him to come, giving him a hard look to prompt him to come faster. This time he turns in her direction and seems surprised to see her, and then he surely guesses what she wants to talk about because he’s sulking again, mumbling some curses at himself but he comes to her, moving his hands in an exasperated movement that means exactly what he says « What do you want? ».

« I just say it, Marston. »

« Miss Robert. » he replies, his voice tired but coiled in anger. What a change of mood. 

Before leaving she catches Javier’s eyes on her and she can’t depict or guess what he’s thinking of. And so she is even more lost about these two.

* * *

« You’re an idiot John Marston! All I want is you to take care of your son! That’s all! But it’s too hard for you, I get it. I get that you’re lazy and that only your pleasures and needs are more important than us, your family. But this boy is your son, you could at least try to spend some time with him. With us. » she yells and all her good resolutions to keep calm and do her best to make things easier for them are gone. And John isn’t very cooperative to try to keep a good mood or a normal discussion too. « I know that! I know that I am a fool, you say it every fucking day in my life Abigail. And I’m tired to have you on my back every time and always chasing me, following me or sending someone to follow me like if I am a prisoner who dares escape from his prison! You forbid me practically everything that doesn’t concern you, the boy or the camp! » He screams too, completely overtaken by his anger, wanting to end this discussion as soon as possible and get the hell out of this goddamn tent. He can’t stand Abigail anymore, he needs his fucking space but she doesn’t seem to understand that. She’s always complaining about this life and John holds back every time to ask her why the hell did she enter a gang in the first place if she can’t stand this kind of life. That is a question. But he knows what she will answer and their argument will only last longer than it needs. « How can you say that?! I run after you because if I don’t, you’re never here! You’ll do nothing if I don’t force or pest you. Is that too much to just ask you to take care a little of your own son? » She’s almost crying now and John already feels guilty, that exactly why he never says all he thinks, because she will cry, that will really hurt her and it’s not his purpose. He doesn’t want to see her like this. But she doesn’t care about how he truly feels too. But she has the chance to have practically all the gang to support her and him… No one is by his side if it’s not Javier and well, Bill and Sean (these two don’t care and there is Micah but fuck, Micah is not an option). Sometime Dutch takes his side but generally he stands with Abigail and Arthur. And the rest of the gang. 

« I am here Abigail! It’s just… Just that I can’t… » He can’t finish his sentence, knowing too well that it will create the apocalypse if he dares say that he’s maybe not the child’s father. But that doesn’t stop him from saying what is on his mind which doesn’t concern the boy « And maybe I will spend more time with you and Jack if you let me fucking breathe! And if I am such a bad father and Arthur or anyone else is so much better than me, why don’t you fucking married him then? Just let me breathe. » For a few seconds there’s no sound, no bitter replies or even angry eyes that look at him like he’s the devil himself, no, just silence, just nothing. It’s like his words have made her shut up or think or whatever, but there is just this tear running down her cheek silently and when he thinks that it is the end, that he could get out and make his head clearer, she explodes. She begins to cry loudly and to scream at him and push him with her tiny hands and arms, not making him move much but the gesture and what it means is enough to hurt « You’re a horrible man! You don’t care about me or Jack! That’s the truth! You just don’t want to admit it. I… I… I just want to do what is the best for my son. But… But… You! You just run, run away again and again! It’s not easy for me! I try my best and you-» He cuts her off before she can continue her verbal jousting, shooting angrily, feeling his whole body trembling because of his strong emotions « And me? I don’t try maybe? As far as I know you sleep under my tent, you eat what I brought and you’re safe because I do what I can to make it possible! I try to spend some time with the boy but first I don’t know how to be a fucking father and secondly I never wanted to be one! And you’re always screaming at me, on my back, just leave me alone for Gods sake! ». He takes her by the shoulder and resists to the urge to shake her, like if it will help them to understand and listen to each other because they can scream all they want, she can hit him or cry, he can storm out of the tent and drink like a madman, they don’t listen to each other. He doesn’t listen to what she says and she doesn’t do better towards him. He knows that. And surely Abigail too. And that is why their relationship is a mess. A disaster. And neither of them knows how they could save it.

The worst is that John can’t explain to her why he can’t love her anymore. He can’t say that he feels better in the arms of another man, that he feels free and himself with a man. And not with her. He can’t love her. He tried. He tried so much. But now there is just wrath and fire in his chest and he doesn’t want to feel guilty anymore, he doesn’t want to be the only one to have the bad role. They are both guilty of what’s happening. Not just him. But it’s like he’s the only one to see that, to see that she has her part of responsibility in all this mess. 

« Then get out! Go get yourself drunk and be a pathetic man John Marston! I have had enough to try to help you, I’m done! »

« Perfect! »

They both glare angrily at each other and he is ready to go for another round because he hasn’t said everything on his mind, but he hears another voice, from outside of the tent which yells at them « Can’t you argue less loudly? Please? » And John knows immediately that it’s Sean. This brat can’t stop being troublesome and provokes everyone whenever he can, like if it’s a purpose in his life. But John is not in the mood where he would just shrug off this kind of comment, no, he’s in the mood where he will punch the asshole who says that bullshit to him in the teeth. So he gets out of his tent, furious, ready to kill Sean, seeing him not so far from where he is, and seeing Sean’s expression it’s clear that he knows that the Scottish wants to fight. That just an apology will not be enough to soothe him. 

« You! Get over here! I will beat you off you little shit! » He says to the Irish and goes quickly at him and at the same time Sean backs down as fast as he can, not wanting to fight against a very angry John. Lucky him, Arthur and Dutch are here and the first one catches John by his arm and pulls him further from Sean and says with an authoritarian tone that is so specific of Arthur « Calm down Marston or I will do it myself! ». 

« You heard the same thing as me! So let me fucking go and beat the shit out of him! » he howls at his brother, struggling as hard as he can but Arthur is bigger and stronger than him and well, he can see out of the corner of his eye that Bill and Charles are ready to give a hand to keep him out of trouble. 

« Sean, go elsewhere, I don’t want to see you until John is calm. And you should keep your mouth shut boy, it’s my last warning. » Dutch says to the Irish, his voice leaving no place for any argument and so, Sean obeys, going who knows where but John is very happy to not have to see his face anymore. But he’s still struggling and Arthur grips him harder and practically shoves him down but John, who doesn’t know how he manages to do it, has succeeded to keep his balance. He stops being a pain in the ass of his brother when Dutch talks to him, looking at him with cold eyes: « John. Keep calm son, I need you to be calm and so to be able to have a nice and polite conversation with me, you can do it right? » It’s put like a question but it’s none, John has no choice but to catch his breath and to let Arthur grip his arm strongly to make sure that he won’t run away. So he calms down like he was asked to do, looking at the little crowd who watches the scenery with curious eyes, wanting to disappear at the idea that everyone has assisted to his behavior. Even Javier’s here. 

« What’s going on with you? » Dutch asks but it’s Abigail who answers, her voice shaking with emotion, looking exhausted by this whole situation « We were having an argument and then Sean had the need to interfere. » she crosses her arms and looks away from John who’s really feeling more and more ashamed by his conduct. But hell, it’s not always easy to keep his calm and be as much patient as Hosea or even Charles. He’s not a saint and he doesn’t want to be one. But he confirms what she said with a nod when Dutch gives him a look to have his probation or not. Visibly, their leader has been too occupied to not hear them screaming on top of their lungs. Dutch comes forwards the Scottish and puts a hand on his shoulder, his voice sounding calm and a bit worried. « Son, I know that things are a bit difficult between you and Abigail but you shouldn’t put yourself in this kind of state. I don’t want a fight inside the gang, whatever the reason is. You have to find a way to control yourself. You have to show example. » At that John lowers his eyes, not wanting to show his annoyance to what he just said, and most of all, wanting to put an end to this public scolding. He resents against practically everyone, especially against Abigail and his brother, already tired to be showed like the bad one. The one who can’t control himself and his emotions. That’s enraging but he can’t do anything else but to accept this situation and he finally replies, trying to soothe his tone and to sound less annoyed than he is for real « Ok. Sorry. I’ll do better. » and with that Arthur releases him but he doesn’t seem to be reassured and it’s like he’s ready to do anything to keep John in control, but mostly it’s like he feels sorry for him. And that’s strange.

Dutch takes off his hand but gives him a warm smile that warms up John a bit, feeling that he didn’t disappoint the man who raised him and gave him everything. He even gives John a good and friendly clap on his back before saying « Alright! I think that you deserve to have your space for a moment, right Abigail? » And once again he doesn’t ask for the advice or commentary of the concerned, being more like an order to leave John alone and not piss him off. John really wants to thank Dutch for that but the man speaks again, this time to all the gang members that are here to see what’s going on « And everyone, it’s time to go back at your task, there is nothing to see here. There will not be any fight, it’s done! ». With that, the men and women obey but the little crowd is louder and is visibly frustrated that nothing entertaining will happen and John can see Javier go too but he gives him an understanding smile before leaving completely, and abandoninghim with their leader, Arthur, Charles, Hosea and Abigail. And he already wants to be far gone because he knows that Dutch has said what he wanted to say and so, he will not stay any longer to make a lesson about how John should resolve things with his wife. He just wanted to make sure that no one thinks that provoking and fighting is authorized, he doesn’t really care about his relationship with Abigail if it has no influence on his job and his capacities and attention durig a robbery. And until now John has always found a way to keep his problem away from his work and his responsibilities inside of the gang so, in this, there is no problem. 

But, the four other (well Charles doesn’t really count but well, he’s still here) it’s another thing. Dutch is ready to go back to his tent with Molly’s company when Hosea says to John « Maybe you and Abigail should have a normal conversation. Without anyone screaming. » Arthur and Abigail seem to particularly agree to this idea on the contrary of John who wants only one thing and it’s to have peace, just one time. « I think that you should leave him alone, he needs time to think. Don’t rush thing, we have all time to speak. » Dutch interferes one last time, giving his famous look which means _you have to agree_ and he’s pointing at the group, making sure that they all heard what he said before leaving once for all.

John’s hopes are high for a few seconds, ready to go when his woman takes his arm « John… Please, we need to settle things. » he replies instantly « Not now. » and goes, not turning back but he hears perfectly his wife being ready to go after him but being held by Arthur and Hosea, the first telling her that they both need to have time to collect themselves each on their side.

« Let him go. He needs to be alone with himself. Let him have his time to think and reflect on everything that has been said. If you force him to talk now, nothing will be settled down. » Hosea says and John is grateful for both of them, feeling less guilty to leave Abigail like that and ignoring her. They both need it.

* * *

Charles sits beside his lover and John’s wife, looking at the camp and people in it who live and do their task with more or less enthusiasm and then at Hosea who’s gone to see how Lenny prepares his first solo robbery, and it makes him smile to see them talk and the younger being completely over excited while the older tries to keep him calmer and serious. He thinks for himself that this gang is something special, the folks inside it are, for the most of them, good and incredible persons who are ready to do a lot to keep each other safe and well, they all share this same dream that one day they will go to Tahiti or anywhere else where they could be free and live the life they’ve always wanted. It’s something that he admires about them, and he respects Dutch for the hopes he creates in them, to accept people no matter their difference is. It’s not so common. Also, he’s the one with Hosea who raised Arthur and so, gave him a chance to have a life. And that, it’s worth more than anything for Charles. 

He looks at Arthur while thinking of that and seeing his expression, he knows that there is something that bothers him and the reason is easy to guess. And there is Abigail by their side who seems empty, like every bit of energy in her has left after the confrontation. For a moment he thought that it would stay silent between them but she begins to speak, her eyes wandering around the sky « Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong? I don’t know anymore. ». Charles doesn’t know what he could answer, he doesn’t really know her that much and he’s aware of some informations that he can’t say. It’s best for her. So he keeps his mouth shut and watches Arthur, waiting for him to answer, which he does after pushing a big sigh and passing a hand on his face, rubbing it « You try your best to give Jack a good life. That’s enough. And for John… well, you know how he is and how easily he can get worked up, even more if he wasn’t in a good mood at first. » She looks at him now and she doesn’t seem to really believe him.

« You know, I think that he doesn’t love me. He’s not in love anymore. And maybe… Maybe it’s why things don’t work between us. We’re not like we used to be anymore but I tried so hard to do like nothing has changed that it surely impacted him. Pushed him to run away from us even more. I’m as much responsible as him about this mess. The thing, Arthur, is that he was in a good mood when I came to him, but he knows just like me that whenever we’re together it ends with an argument, we fight and we get angry. So, whenever I come to him, he gets moody and annoyed. Just like me when I think about him. »

What can they respond to that? This is what Charles wonders, wanting to help her, really, but he doesn’t know how anything he can say would do any good. He can’t change anything for her or John. Only they can do something about their relationship and Arthur and Charles can only advise them but now it seems even this is useless. Maybe she knows what she has to do. Or maybe she doesn’t want to try anymore. Who knows. 

Arthur nods at what she said and gives her a little smile that she gives back before she stands up and says before leaving « Thanks. Both of you, thanks for what you’ve done for us. I should go see Jack. » And with that she’s gone. Arthur crosses his arms and bows his head, surely being even more worried or sorry for this couple, so Charles bumps his shoulder gently against Arthur’s to have his attention and with a soft smile, and a soothing voice, he says « You can’t do more. You’ve tried your best but you can’t force them to do something or to be different towards each other. ». He hears the cowboy breathing slowly and then he puts his head against Charles’ for a few seconds before quickly backing off, not wanting anyone to see that, and this act makes Charles’ heart beats faster and loudly in his chest and if they were alone he would have kissed him but he can’t, and that’s disappointing. They look at each other and Arthur finally responds with a grin « I know. But I’m sorry for them, for John. Even if we don’t know if he really feels something for, well, you know who… It means something, and we both know that it’s not simple to be like that. I’m sorry that he has to live that while he has a wife and a kid, it’s surely more complicated for him than for us. I can say that you’re the best thing that happened to me but what we are… It’s too dangerous, too difficult and even maybe too hurtful for John, because of everything he already has, when he has a family that he has to take care of. I don’t want this for him, and I can’t stop him or judge him for wanting to be with someone that makes him feel himself. True. Eh, you know what I mean. ». It touched Charles and he can completely relates to what he just said, this kind of love or desire being prohibited by the society. 

He can’t do more for his man besides staying by his side and support him as best as he can, and, while watching what’s in front of him, he answers « Then you should leave him make his own choices, even if it doesn’t satisfy you. For once let things happen by themselves. Nothing will change if everyone fights against it. Let him be, he’s strong, he’s not that stupid » he says the last one with a smile, joking a bit because everyone says that John is a foolish man but Charles thinks otherwise and that makes Arthur laugh a bit and that is a good new « He will find a way to settle things, have faith in him for once. ». The cowboy still has his grin but it weakens slowly before he replies, his eyes darkening at the memory « Have faith? Trust him? After he’s been gone for one year? I can’t Charles, even without all of this, he abandoned his own kid, what could make me believe that he will not do it again? » That is something that bothered the man for so many years now and Charles tries to heal the scar but it’s fierce, it doesn’t want to go and it’s something that Arthur can’t forget, not when he has lost his son. But he must move on, he must forgive. 

« John’s here no? If he wanted to leave again he would have done it a while ago. But he’s here, he tries to make things better in his own way. He spends more time with Jack, he argues a lot with Abigail and he said that he is sorry a lot of times. You can’t expect for him to change, to make an effort and at the same time making him feel untrusted and rejected. Making him know that you will never forgive him for what he has done. It doesn’t help Arthur. You have to forgive him and… John is not you. His story will not be yours, won’t be the same. »

For a few minutes there is no answer, and Charles looks at the cowboy who only stares at the ground, playing with his fingers and seeming to be lost in his thoughts. It’s always hard for him to forgive, to move on and leave the past and the grudges behind him but he has to try, to do it. First for him, to be more at peace with himself but also for John, Abigail and Jack. They aren’t Arthur, Eliza and Isaac. Maybe there is other pains, maybe there is also the fact that John is Arthur’s little brother, that he will do everything to keep him and his family happy and safe, mostly safe and so, knowing John to be gone and no one having any clue about where he could be, if he even was alive, was surely something that hurt him too. The Scottish is a part of Arthur’s family, it’s normal that he is angry that he has left them without a word. And surely he makes him pay for that by being colder and really, really harsh to him. Charles wants to talk about it but the cowboy is faster than him « I know. I know that I blame him for abandoning his wife and son and I fear that he ends up like me, that he will lose them all, regretting everything he doesn’t do for them, to not have been with them, to not have spent enough time with them. I know that it’s stupid but with the life we live? I can’t stop myself from thinking that maybe one day, John will not be as lucky as he usually is and… That something dramatic will happen. ». He pauses himself and rubs his eyes, a tired and sad expression on his face but when he continues his talking, his voice is more angry than anything else « I blame him for leaving us. All of us. Me. Too. And I feel stupid and pathetic to be angry at him because he didn’t tell me anything, didn’t leave a note to inform me about anything or even send a letter to let me know that he’s still alive. I spent one year worried that he’s dead, that I will find his corpse one day. To have to bury him too. I’m angry that I’m maybe more furious about what he has done to me, to be that selfish whereas it’s Abigail and her son who have suffered the most from his departure.»

Finally he says something different about all this story and that makes Charles smile, it’s a good thing. Arthur needed it. « Did you talked to him about it? » he asks and the cowboy shakes his head negatively. « Then you should. If you don’t, how can he know how much it hurt you? » He says and puts a hand on Arthur’s back and that makes his man smile sweetly before answering, this time his tone being more calm « Well… You know I’m not good with this. Unless I’m with you. » he stops to talk and turns his face to Charles, his eyes filled with gratefulness « Thank you. To be here. For me I mean. »

« That’s normal. »

They don’t need to say I love you because they already know it.

* * *

John was gone in the forest around the camp, trying to cool himself off a bit and to think about all of this with a clear mind. What a day. He knows that he should go back to see and talk with Abigail again but no, he has his dose for the month, he doesn’t want a new argument, he just wants to go to sleep and have his mind empty of any family problem. That would be priceless! But he has to go back to the camp and well, he sleeps with his wife and kid, that’s a problem because he wants to be alone, and he doesn’t want to make them sleep elsewhere because, well, it’s their place too. And he’s not an asshole, Jack must not sleep outside, his place is inside a tent at night, with his mother and well… His father, but for now the tent and the mother can be enough for one night. No, he will have to find another place to sleep and he already knows whom he will ask to sleep with. That will at least make this end of day better than the rest of it. 

With a grin he comes back, feeling better after having walked for hours maybe and it’s already night time and even if it’s still early he’s tired and only wants to go to bed and forget everything else. He tries to make his arrival to the camp discreet, not wanting anyone to come to him and ask questions or even to look at him with insistence, their eyes screaming “Why don’t you go to your wife?” So he tries to do like Charles and Javier and to become a ghost only for a few minutes and it seems to work. By chance, Javier is under his tent, reading and not anywhere else in the camp, doing whatever it is. Well, if he hadn’t been here, John would have used his layer anyway. But it’s even better if the Mexican is here. He gives a big bright smile to the man before asking, trying to sound innocent, which with his voice, is not a success « Can I spend the night with you? ». Javier raises a brow at him and smirks « Don’t you have a tent? Or did Abigail throw you off? » And at that John scoffs, rolling his eyes before remembering that it is forbidden in Javier’s presence, and tries to keep back a giggle « Sorry for that, forgot during two seconds. Well, it’s more that I just don’t want to sleep with her than her who kicked me out. So, Señor Escuella, can I sleep with you tonight? ». He comes closer to the man with his nasty grin that he knows that Javier can’t resist and the man sighs joyfully and, with a mocking look he answers « Well, I would gladly sleep with you but I don’t think that Charles will appreciate what we do during the night. And all the noises you make. ».

« I was not saying it in this way, you bastard! Even if it’s a shame. Hell, now I want it… » he complains and laughs at the same time and even more when he replies « Too bad! » and then he lies down beside Javier, knowing that it means yes. He never doubted about that but it’s always better to have his agreement. He closes his eyes, smelling Javier’s perfume and he’s already feeling better, being just with Javier makes him happier in general and he loves that fact. « Don’t you want to eat something before sleeping? » Javier asks and John opens his eyes again, being ready to leave the real world to go to the one of dreams. « If you have something with you yes, if not, I resume my sleep. » He yawns greatly after saying that and that makes Javier smile before he searches in his belongings and finds a can of fruits and presents it to John who sits and opens it, eating with more hunger than he thought he had. « You don’t eat too? » The Scottish is ready to share what Javier gave him because, well, it’s Javier’s. The man picks a bit and it’s a sufficient response for John. They eat what they have and when the can is empty, John throws it away, not caring about where it falls before laying again, closing his eyes before shouting them open when he hears the Mexican moving like he’s ready to go somewhere else. He grips his arm, practically worried at the idea that he would leave him alone and blushes at his act. He asks, trying to sound more intrigued than anything else « Where are you going? ». Javier looks at him with surprise and then, he funnily answers « Well, I just want to take a piss. » 

John whizzes for a laugh, thinking that he’s stupid and he doesn’t even know for what reason he was worried. Well, he doesn’t want Javier to leave but… That’s stupid he knows but he loves falling asleep with him by his side, it’s too rare and it’s a fucking shame! He lets the man go release himself against a tree, somewhere where John can’t see him anymore so he stares at the ceiling of the tent, feeling the wind blowing smoothly, making it even harder to not fall asleep before Javier comes back. It’s peaceful and it’s quiet, as much as a camp full of people can be when it’s only 8PM, he hears them talking but it seems so low, like far old mixed sounds with the ones of the nature and his own breath. When Javier is here again, lying by his side, John is practically completely asleep but he says « You will sleep with me right now? It’s still early. » He feels a kiss against his temples « What? You don’t want? » John takes Javier against him, murmuring in his neck « I want. » And then he falls completely asleep.

Javier stays like that for a few minutes but the position of his arms is not really pleasant, cutting off blood circulation and so, he separates from John to put himself on his belly, enjoying far more this position for sleeping. He loves having his man in his arms, it’s sweet but very uncomfortable. He watches John for a moment and he can’t stop himself to curse at Abigail who can spend all her nights with him like that when him, he rarely has this chance. 

* * *

« John isn’t back. It’s night already and it’s time to sleep so why isn’t he here? I understand that he was angry but now, he should have come home since hours. » Abigail says, sounding more annoyed than worried but her tone doesn’t let any place to argument and so, to not search for John. And well, Charles has to say that it could be worrisome to not see him come back, it isn't in his habits to leave that long without saying anything to anyone. It happened one time and it was when he left for one year but Charles really doubts about this possibility, like Abigail, she doesn’t seem to be worried that he has left once and for all, but it’s more about what he’s doing and if he puts himself in danger or if he’s still sulking at her. So he accepts to help her to find John with Arthur and Hosea. Dutch has said to leave the Golden Boy alone but well, who knows what can happen in the forest? Maybe the Scottish even went farther than the forest around the camp, but when Charles goes to see the horses, Old Boy is right here, eating his hay peacefully. Wrong guess so. 

They have searched for a moment but there is no John in the forest, Charles even heard Abigail and Hosea calling his name but no response came to them besides their echoes. « Where can he be? » Hosea asks, clearly worried, his eyes narrowing around the vegetation only illuminated by their oil lamps, like if, if he tries harder he will finally find him hidden behind a bush or a tree. « I have no idea. » Arthur is the one who responds, shrugging his shoulder at the same time before massaging his neck with a tired expression « But it’s too late to keep looking for him. » and so, he begins to walk back to the camp and it’s exactly when Charles notices something new. « I think he went back too. There are footprints on the ground and it’s not ours, too old. He should have went back when we started looking for him. ». The cowboy sighs very loudly and gives a look at Abigail who avoids it with an embarrassed smile on her lips and replies at his accusing glares « I didn’t know. And well, the fact the he loses himself inside this forest was a real possibility for his absence! ». It’s true, it’s very John to find himself in this kind of situation. They all come back to the camp together, talking a bit about Jack and his new habit to go a little too far from the camp to play and search new entertaining objects or pebbles, or anything that could make a great toy, or become a great toy. The boy can be pretty ingenious when it comes to create something with what he could play hours with. But, once they are back, Abigail can only make one reflection after seeing from where they are that the lamp inside her tent is still alight and there is no one inside it: « Where is he? » And well, Charles has to admit that it’s becoming a bit worrisome, he has seen the tracks which lead until the camp but John is still not here and that is very surprising. Maybe it was someone elses footprints but he doubts, Sean is the only one to have left the camp besides Marston and he was back far earlier than the Scottish. So it can’t be anyone else. « Well, he’s surely somewhere around here, maybe he’s drinking with someone else. Don’t worry about him and go to sleep, he will join you soon enough. » he says and sends a stare at Arthur who really seems to need vacation right now. 

« Yeah, I will try. Come Jack, it’s time to go to bed. » she says while going to him and then takes his hand after he just stopped playing at the tent’s entrance, his bright eyes going to his mother and his uncle before asking, his little voice being still so sweet besides his clear tiredness « Where is dad? Something’s happened? » At that Arthur clears his throat and ahead Abigail who is ready too to give an explanation that wouldn’t make the boy nervous « Well, he’s with… he’s with the others, playing poker. And you know how you father is when he’s playing, no one can’t stop him. » He says with a smile, trying to convince Jack who doesn’t seem to really believe that but either he decides that it is still a good explanation or he decides to go with it because in the end, he just goes first inside the tent, yawning without putting his hand in front of his mouth, which makes him win a reflection from his mother. 

With them both inside their private tent, Hosea is the first to leave, giving a sign to Arthur and Charles and wishing them good night, a strange little smile on his lips like every time he leaves them alone at night. He never thought a lot about it but it’s kind of confusing. Like if he knows something about them but it’s surely not the case, because if it is, well, that would mean that Dutch knows it too, Hosea doesn’t hide anything from him and vice versa. 

« I suppose it’s time to go to sleep too. » says the cowboy while putting his hands on his belt, looking at his bed from where he stands which is not very far, John’s and Arthur’s tents are practically side by side. « Yeah, I leave you to it. Maybe Javier will know where John is. » Charles answers but he doesn’t look much more at this idea, hoping more to get some rest than to have to go search for the Scottish one more time. Arthur shakes his head in approbation and goes to do what he said, letting Charles go to his layer, secretly hoping to find the Mexican already asleep and so, to not have to ask any question that may result in staying awake even longer. And effectively he finds the man deeply asleep. But. Because there is a but. Like ALWAYS when it comes to him these days. There is John. Sleeping quietly beside him, practically ready to hug Javier and who knows what more. God help him! He really hopes that the two weren’t doing anything and stopped that wen they heard him coming. And so, pretend to be asleep and wait for him to fall in the dreams land, or BELIVE that he goes there and so… Continuing their affairs. God. No. God, please, no. He doesn’t want to witness something like this ever again, even asleep he doesn’t want to fear that they have done anything while he was unconscious. Because in the end he will know in both ways. Javier will give him this fucking sneaky smile of his, giving him that look that tells more than any oral description. Hell, he will maybe even give him some discreet allusions about what he had seen by accident. What him and John were doing. Together. Like… Sex. Some kind of sex. And some kind of play. Because it was visibly a game for them, well, at least, it’s what Charles thinks, because he’s not sure about anything when it comes to these too. But, when he goes closer to the men, neither of them is moving and Charles can tell that they are really asleep. So he sighs with relief, happy to not have interrupted some sex party between these two and then he can go fall asleep too. Well, he has to say where John is to Abigail. It’s what she would want. And Arthur too. 

So he sighs a second time and freezes directly for a few seconds when he hears Javier murmuring something incomprehensible, and then says sternly a « No. » and after that a « What. » before pushing a sigh too. Not awake. With that he goes back to Abigail’s tent - even if it’s more John’s but… - and calls for her, his tone low to not disturb anyone around him who could be trying to sleep « I found him. » and with that she’s out of the tent. And Arthur is behind him. They have really some kinds of reflexes when it comes to the Scottish, that’s for sure. « Where? » She asks, clearly ready to go after him and clean the mess that she has imagined in one second. « With Javier. » he replies bluntly, not wanting to see the shocked eyes that Arthur has surely gave him, and Abigail is on her way to John, mumbling angrily at him, walking with a good rhythm, not waiting for Charles or Arthur to follow her. Well, they do it anyways. When they are all beside Javier’s layer, Charles has to remove a smile growing on his face and to hold back his laugh at the sighs of the Mexican sleeping on his belly like he is completely wasted and John who seems to be an angel while he is asleep. Well, maybe more a dead man than an angel, Charles can’t even hear him breathe. 

He can see that Abigail is annoyed, maybe even jealous but all he wanted by telling her where John is, was for her to not be worried anymore and to fall asleep soundly, not to go see him and to surely want to wake him up and force him to go to sleep with her and their boy. « So, what do we do now? He can’t stay here. » she says, trying to keep her calm and to not talk too high, but her tone is biter, so full of something he never heard or seen in her, it’s so unlike her, so disturbing. It’s like something dark comes into her eyes and that she can only see violence and anger now. Something ugly that is maybe true jealousy. And Charles has a hard time to understand that because until now, he has never seen true jealousy, never seen something coming as near as that to this emotion. He had envied, he had seen some people envied and he had felt some sort of jealousy too like when he wanted to spend more time with Arthur but he was too concentrated on John’s life or on Dutch’s orders. Then he can say that he felt something like jealousy because Arthur has strong feelings about them (and Hosea), they are his precious family but Charles knows that they have a great place inside his man’s heart. And sometime, it happens that he’s envious about how much he loves them, even if it’s a love that has nothing to do with the one they share. 

So he answers, wanting to calm these strong emotions that she surely feels right now « We should let them sleep, after all, what’s the point to wake John up? He’s at camp. » and Arthur supports him, maybe he has noticed too her reaction and attitude « We should all go to sleep. ». But her expression says otherwise and Charles knows that it will be harder to convince her to let him be than he thought. « I can’t let him here! » She exclaims a bit too loudly and she puts immediately her hands on her lips, like if that would catch the sound. They all look at the two men sleeping and it seems that no one woke up and, seeing that, she puts her hands back down and looks all around her, thinking about something. 

« Abigail, he can stay here for the night, it won’t change anything. » Arthur keeps trying to convince her, but her only response doesn’t let thinking that she will change her opinion « He can’t sleep here, it’s not… It’s not his place! », this time she succeeds to keep her voice lower but Charles can still hear the annoyance in her tone, even if she tries to hide it. He opens his mouth to speak because, really, he just wants to sleep now, not talking and debating about why John should or shouldn’t sleep with her, but Javier moves suddenly and turns on his side, facing John a moment before he raises himself with one arm, trying to keep his eyes open while he asks, his voice sounding very much asleep « What…? What are you doing? ». His accent is more strong than usual and for a moment it’s the only thing that Charles can think about, taken a bit aback by the fact that the Mexican just woke up. 

« Well, to see where John is. » The cowboy answers, still a bit uncertain about what he’s doing here beside accompanying Abigail. « He’s here. Why? » He’s lost too and Charles can’t blame him for that, he would be very confused if, when he woke up there was three persons talking while watching him sleeping. Said like that it’s even stranger! 

« That’s the question indeed. Why is he here. » She says, sounding even more angry than earlier, glaring at Javier who gives her a look back, grimacing a bit and then, passing a hand on his face to wake himself a bit more, his sore eyes disagreeing a lot at the idea to stay open. « He asked me for this. So, now that you know where he is, what are you still doing here? » And now he seems to be angry too, that’s great. Charles can’t stop himself from making an annoyed noise, wanting to get off about it as quickly as possible. « Can you wake him up? He should be sleeping in his tent. » Well, it’s like they’re ready to fight each other but happily Javier doesn’t reply something harsh to her, even if he clearly wanted to, biting his own lip to keep his means words to himself. Charles hears Arthur ticking his tongue with impatience before saying « Let’s go Abigail. » and grabs her arm gently but she rejects him « No. Jack is wondering why his father is not here! The least he could do is to be with his son during the night! ». 

Arthur is ready to force her to go back to her tent when Javier grumbles and then growls before saying with annoyance « Ok. I’ll do it. If it’s so much important. » he then turns back to John who is still deeply asleep and he barely touches his shoulder that the man rolls slowly on the Mexican, an arm circles his chest and one leg tangles itself with Javier’s. Just as if Javier was some kind of Teddy Bear, or a great pillow. And everyone has frozen. Javier looking with surprised eyes at his friend… Sex friend… Even maybe lover… Who knows, really. He gives a few pats on John’s back, watching him incredulously and then, looks at Charles, Abigail and Arthur with an embarrassed smile, murmuring to not wake the Scottish « Eh, it seems he doesn’t want to. » And for a moment there is only silence, a long blank with everyone looking at the two men on the ground, no one knowing what to say until Abigail’s shoulders sag, turning back and answering with a tired voice « Alright. I need to get some sleep and it will do me good to not have him by my side one night. » With just that she leaves, not giving a last glance to her husband or to any other men, going back to her tent with so much less determination than when she was searching for him. Arthur gives a nod to Charles and Javier before leaving too, yawning at the same time and Charles is wondering if it’s really like this that it ends, and visibly Javier is thinking that too because he gives him a questioning look, look that Charles answers only with a shrug before laying on his bedroll, rubbing his face with both hands and, when he closes his eyes, adrenaline pulls immediately in his veins and he shots them open, looking at Javier with a worried look, maybe even a panicked one. That makes the Mexican laugh and shake his head with a big smile before saying, a mocking note in his voice « Nope. Nothing will happen, you can sleep peacefully. Well, for tonight. » He laughs even more when he sees Charles’ expression and then continues « For real. He’s asleep and I just want to do the same. ». And he closes his eyes and moves a little to be more at ease and it only lasts three minutes or something like that before Javier makes this little sounds he makes every time he’s asleep. Charles feels better knowing that and he can finally have his deserved rest.

* * *

Abigail is sipping her coffee while observing her son playing with some flowers, endlessly remembering what she saw yesterday and this morning. She wanted to go get John and wake him up to have a morning discussion around a good and hot cup of coffee and so, maybe to be able to talk to each other with calm. Have a real conversation. Not an argument. Just… There’s so much things that she wants to tell him, and she never finds a way to say them out loud or when she has the possibility she does everything to mess up the discussion and so, to not be able to say what she truly thought and needed to speak out. But, when she saw him asleep beside Javier again, his expression sweet and calm, the felt like his place was right here, not by her side, not with her but with this other man. And that broke her heart. There is something that she can’t understand, John’s affection for Javier is incomprehensible for her. They are best friend, right, she knows it. But she also knows that this man is more important than her in John’s heart. She can’t say how, what is the difference, she can’t say what Javier has more than her but maybe, just maybe, he likes him more than her. Maybe he feels more at home, happier with his friend. Maybe Javier gives him something that she can’t. She doesn’t know, and that thought makes her heart squeeze painfully. 

She rubs her eyes angrily and quickly, snorting before turning on herself and sees the Mexican going to take something to drink before going to a table and sitting alone, watching the lake and the sky quietly. She must speak to him. She doesn’t know what she should tell him but she has to try. Maybe he will be able to show a way to rebuild her relationship with John, maybe he could say something, anything, to her that would help to see clearer, to know what’s going on, what she’s done wrong. What goes wrong with their couple. 

So she spills the rest of her coffee on the ground besides the fire and tells Jack to see Hosea to have a lesson before going to Javier, taking big breaths to keep her nerves down, to not stress too much at the idea to have a conversation with him. The last time they really spoke to each other was after John’s disappearance. So it was a long time ago. 

She’s right in front of him and she hasn’t said anything yet that he looks up at her and asks, nothing in his attitude foreshadowing a good and simple discussion « What do you want? If it’s John, he’s with Pearson and Uncle. » and she’s feeling a bit shy, Javier can intimidate people easily, his eyes threatening better than any weapon, and his exploits in this matter are often told by those who accompany him on missions and robberies like Bill. Bill who always seems to be really impressed by it. But she doesn’t get riled off that easily and so, she answers, grabbing a part of her dress at the same time « Yeah, I know. I see it. But I’m here to talk to you. ». He stares at her a moment, scratches his chin and replies « And what do you want to say to me? ». And she knows that he doesn’t want too to discuss with her. And that bothers her, not that she wants to be friend with him, absolutely not, it’s more because he has no reason to despise her, not even one. Well, maybe since he’s John’s best friend it makes him see her in a worse way. But come on! He can make an effort, just one time right? « Can we go somewhere else? I just want to talk to you about John and no one else needs to hear about that. » She says, giving him an encouraging smile and she hopes that it will help but it’s not. Javier is still staring at her and makes no move « I think that whatever you have to say, you can say it here. ». She holds a frustrated noise, not wanting to irritate the man even more, but it’s a bit complicated when he does everything to be unpleasant. She puts her hands on her hips and decides to speak louder and shows him that she really wants this discussion « If you want so! … I just… I need to know if… If he told you anything about me or Jack, or what he truly feels about this situation. And… Well… If he still has some kind of feelings. For, well. You know. For me. Because sometimes I can’t say. » She stumbles on her words and she forces herself to look at Javier while saying all of this out loud. And his face doesn’t let any emotion show through, like he was wearing some kind of mask, like if he doesn’t feel anything about what she has just said or maybe doesn’t want her to see what he thinks and so, the truth. An ugly truth.

There’s a blank and with a very cold glare he finally says « I have nothing to say. If you wonder about John’s feelings why don’t you ask it to him? And you should know what to do about _your_ relationship better than me. » She’s a bit shocked by his response, not believing this lack of interest about his best friend marriage and then she understands one thing. If she’s jealous of him, he doesn’t like her much if it’s not that he’s jealous of her too, and he has no intention to help her. So, she gets angry « Maybe because he says nothing to me! He spends more time with you than with me or our boy! He’s always with you, always doing something with you and it’s always "Sorry I’m with Javier, leave me alone woman" and then I can say everything I want he doesn’t care. So the least that you can do, it’s to help me a bit to understand what’s going on in his head. Even if you seem to like to keep him for yourself a bit too much, you want to have an exclusive relationship with him, I understand that! I know that! But he’s not your husband, he’s not the father of your son! He’s your friend, your brother, but it doesn’t give you any right to keep him for yourself! » She practically screams at him, moving her hands in the process. And Javier doesn’t seem happy about what he just heard at all. He suddenly stands up, making her back off a bit and startles, and he answers with an even bitter tone than hers but he doesn’t raise his voice, no, he keeps it low and black, watching her with a fire in his eyes, the coldness being gone since a moment now « You know nothing about me or us, so stop talking nonsense, pendeja. I’m not the one who is always on his back to tell how he should live his life, what he should do every fucking seconds and who sends people to follow him. You’re the one who can’t live without him. And as far as I know, I could be the father of the boy as much as him. ». The last sentence is what hurt Abigail the most. She didn’t think that anyone will throw that to her face like that. She feels dirty, she feels stupid and so, so, so much insulted. She can’t bear it anymore, she watches him incredulous and storms, screaming at him « You have a real problem Javier! You know that you’re a - » she can’t end her phrase that and another voice covers hers and there is no need to wonder who it is, it’s John. It’s the first time that he’s the one trying to calm any argument. 

« What the fuck is going on! Calm down, both of you. » He says, looking at his wife and his friend, seeming a bit worried and, for the first time, he takes Abigail’s side, going beside her, taking her arm and tries to calm her a bit. « Why are you screaming? » He asks to her and she’s too breathless to give any response right now, still glaring meanly at Javier, angry about what he just said to her, how he said it, how he acted while saying it. And it’s the Mexican who answers in her place, seeming to be practically furious inside of him, trying to control it like he can but she sees his trembling hands as much as John « She wanted to talk about you. So I said that she could just go ask you in person! Or fuck herself for all I care. Por dios. » and she’s ready to fight but John prevents it, griping her arm more firmly and speaking more gently to her after giving a hard look at Javier « Abigail, if you want to know something you don’t need to go to him. You can directly speak to me. »

« Well, you never want to speak. »

And he can’t say otherwise so he drops a sigh and turns himself at Javier who laughs a bit at her response, but this time she can tell that it isn’t against her, it’s against John. 

« Why did you need to be mean to her? » he asks sincerely and Abigail knows that there is another thing that she can’t grasp, that she knows nothing about. « I wasn’t mean, I just said the truth. »

« That was mean. »

Javier rolls his eyes with annoyance and snorts, putting his hands on his belt before shaking his head in disbelief, answering after having looked at what is around them before setting his eyes on the couple, having a disgusted expression on his face « ¿ Eres tonto o..? I tell what I think and if it makes me a bad man then so be it. But you’re not the only one in this mierda. You put me in. No te olvides de esto. » There is something odd in his voice, and what he said must have struck John because his face is marked by guilt and when Javier leaves, he is ready to go after him but Abigail is the one who holds him back. « I think he needs to be alone. » and when she sees that John listens to her for once she dares ask him two things « What does he means by "You put me in?". And, could we have a discussion? Right now? » The Scottish can’t answer her first question but he responds to the positive for the second. And even if he gives her a smile, she knows that it’s not a genuine one, it’s too sad and too worried for that. But maybe this fight with Javier will help them to settle some things between them. A bad thing for a good one. Maybe it was what they needed.

* * *

Javier is sitting on a rock, near the lake, watching it with anger and with a resentful feeling, drinking too much for his own good. God he hates Abigail so much! He couldn’t keep his nerves more than a few moments before cracking and wanting to strangle her. And John didn’t help at all. He forgets a bit too much that Javier is in this mess too and he can’t do or say anything, he can just watch and wait for things to happen, he can be only a spectator and that frustrates him a lot. Sometime he feels very stupid when he sees Abigail and John together with their son, he feels like he’s too much, like he’s a stain on the portrait. Like he has no place in this beautiful family. Well, beautiful, there is Arthur to think that they’re better together even if they argue every fucking day and that they are ready to kill each other every time that one of them opens his mouth. 

He laughs at this image before taking a new sip, feeling alcohol pumping in his veins, helping him to find this situation more funny than it is but it doesn’t stop any emotions, any desire to go get John and fuck him in front of Abigail’s eyes and to make sure that she understands the difference between them. That would be great. But he can’t do it. Sadly. He sighs at that but he keeps his smirk on his face which grows even more when he hears footsteps behind him. Because he knows who it is. It’s John. And he knows that he feels guilty. He could have bet it when he saw his face after what he said to him, and even if now Javier feels sorry about making John feel bad, he knows that he deserves it. Just a little bit. The Scottish can complain a lot about his wife and their fucking family but he never asks Javier about how he feels about it too, how he puts himself inside of this huge goddamn mess. But still, he doesn’t want John to suffer, even more because of him. He will make it up to him.

« Hey. » John’s voice is more raspy than usual and the Mexican can’t stop himself to look back at him, even if he wanted to ignore him a little more. He seems tired, and he can guess that the discussion with Miss Robert was not a simple one, nor a pleasant one too. « Can I sit too? » He asks and Javier pushes himself to let him have a place and John doesn’t wait to sit beside him, looking at the water too but sometime he takes a look at Javier who watches him. No one talks for a moment and the only sounds that can be heard are the voices coming from the camp behind them, birds and Javier’s drinking, the sound of the bottle being as quiet as the rest. John gulps, wanting to say something but he doesn’t know how to bring the subject, he’s a bit scared that Javier is really mad at him and will resent him for, well, a lot of things if he’s being honest. « What do you want? » Javier asks with a cool voice, not as angry as the last time they spoke and that reassures John who is playing nervously with his hat since he came here. He takes a breath before answering « See how you’re doing and… Say that Abigail and I have talked for real and I think that we’ve made it. It’s going to be okay I mean. Well, I’m sure that we will not stop arguing but we talked about a lot of things and I understand her better, and she understands me better and that’s a beginning. No one screamed this time, and that’s a first. » This time he definitely looks at Javier who just shakes his head but doesn’t answer. He doesn’t make any smile, any look, not any expression or noise to help John to understand what he thinks, what he wants, what he feels. So, since there is no response to what he said, he continues « I’m sorry. For all this mess. You know that right? You know that you’re… Different. From her. With her it’s not the same, it’s not something I want. And I’m the one who begins everything so, yeah, I’m responsible about this situation, I understand that sometime you just… Want to throw everything or that you’re tired of this but… I’m… I… Well, you know. » He grumbles the end, feeling a bit ashamed to talk about all of this, to open himself like that, even to Javier. 

He triturates his hat and bites his lip a little and he’s ready to go back to camp, to be rejected by Javier but the man puts a hand on his neck and forces him to look at him « I’m not tired of you, I’m tired of her. I don’t like to have to share you, you’re mine. Not her’s. Mine. » John has almost forgot that when the Mexican is drunk he’s far more aggressive when he’s already in a bad mood in the first place, alcohol tenfolds his emotion, even more the bad ones. And it’s worst when he’s jealous. Because Javier is a nasty jealous bitch, far more than John. He can’t beat him on that, Javier is worse, far worse but the biggest problem is that John loves it, he loves when he’s that jealous because he feels even more wanted, even more desired. He feels even more alive and he can’t resist at these kinds of impulse. 

They look at each other, something burns in them and John is the one who closes the distance, kissing Javier hungrily who doesn’t wait to kiss him back with need and possession, the fingers around John’s neck squeeze suddenly, the nails scratching the skin, making him tremble. Javier tastes like alcohol and the Scottish is practically sure that if he kisses him too long he will end up drunk too, and he wants it, he wants to feel it flow in him, God, he can’t never stop or control himself when it comes to Javier, he can’t wait, can’t do anything but praying for more. And it’s forbidden, so forbidden, they shouldn’t do it, it’s a sin, it’s inconceivable that two men feel these kind of feelings for each other, this desire, this burning need to touch the other, to kiss like that, so full of teeth and tongues, so full of blood. John’s blood mostly. His lip is cut once again but he missed the pain, missed the sensation of the skin being broken. Of the teeth biting his lip hardly like they want to rip it apart. Javier pulls apart, much to John's chagrin, and before he can express his dissatisfaction, the bottle of liquor is put at his lips and he drinks it, not thinking twice before doing it, watching Javier at the same time he drinks a few sips. « Say it. » The Mexican whispers in his ear and he feels a thrill all along his spine, his breathing shaking a bit too, a nasty smile on his face when he replies « Say what? That you’re a jealous son of bitch? » John has to say that he can’t stop himself from playing, neither seeing when it’s the good moment to brat or not but it’s why every game is different and so pleasant. « You’re the bitch, you’re the one who goes in two beds right perrito? But you have to convince me about who owns you for real, my sweet chupapolla. » 

« That was mean. » he says, a bit hurt for real. Javier is less attentive when he’s drunk, he knows that, yes, but it still hurts. 

Javier looks at him for a few seconds, caressing his cheek and at the same time he thinks a bit before answering, his voice low and a little sad too « That’s the truth. What can I do about that, hm? I don’t like it too. Just tell me what I need to hear and… Everything will be forgotten. John. Say it. For once don’t play. I’m sorry, I need it. Just this time, for real, I need it to be real and to be not a fucking game. I’ll make it up to you after, I promise.». And God, John’s heart hurts him so bad, squeezes so awfully strongly, beats like crazy and he feels the need to take Javier’s face with both hands and to kiss him again, putting all his strength in this kiss before backing off a little, his lips brushing Javier’s while saying « You’re mine. I’m yours. Love you, don’t forget that. » Javier smiles against John’s lips and the sensation makes them both shiver and he replies, his tone really much more joyful this time, like if he found life again, like he was just bring to life again « Love you too. You’re mine. No one else’s but mine, maybe I should carve it in your skin. I will be less jealous if you let me do that. » He teases and that makes the taller man chuckles, happy that the mood is enlightened and that there is no more grief or fear between them. « You’re a real sadist, you know that? And what is going to happen when people will see it? How can I explain that? »

« They don’t need to have an answer. » and with that he keeps kissing him, his fingers wandering on his body, leaving the bottle somewhere beside them and John is very contented, he tries to get Javier’s belt off while he feels these beautiful hands stroking his skin, having gone under his shirt, and he moans in Javier’s mouth. « But you need to be punished. » The Mexican says and for two seconds John isn’t able to understand what he told him, too occupied by his business to take off this belt and in his pleasure, having forgotten that his voice can function too. He giggles « And for what? » And the only response he has makes him laugh even louder « Because I want to spank you, and you want it too. » And he will brat all he can to just be sure that Javier will really give him good slap. He finally succeeds at taking off the belt that he puts carefully on the ground, he cares about this, it brings great pleasure very often, whether it be by attaching him or whipping his back (or ass when we are it) and he doesn’t want it to be in a bad state because of it, but also because Javier cares a lot about his stuff in general, and takes good heed of them. And it’s the worst idea of all to provoke Javier about his belongings, even more when it’s clothes. He dares to do it only when he’s drunk, which is not the case. And Javier is the one who is drunk, and being greatly jealous. So no, not a good idea at all if he wants to be able to stand on his feet and to sit tomorrow. 

John knows that for now bratting is not the thing to do, no he will do it after, now he will convince Javier that he’s a good boy so he gets on his knees and gives at the man a dirty smile and licks his lips before bowing his head to kiss Javier’s boner who at that, grips his hair, tightening a lot, he pulls them too and makes him whine before giving a good lick at the fabric, like if it is Javier’s skin. « You really want to be spank right. » he jokes, encouraging John to continue his activity « If you want it to be done with my hand you will have to do something else for me. You can refuse but if you do, you will only have the belt on your pretty butt. ». John stops the time to answer, very curious about what the Mexican has prepared in his crazy head for them « Yeah? And what’re the rules, _master_? » Under his tongue he can feel that Javier’s dick has reacted to this appellation. « Call me Señor Escuella, and I promise I will be really, really good to you. » 

This asshole! It’s all John can think. This bastard knows that normally he would have to force John or submit him to a certain degree before he would accept to call him like that. He would brat a lot in normal time, he would make everything to piss off Javier and provoke him, making him have a hard time to have what he wants. But right now he feels like he should make it up to him after all that happened today, and well, because he put himself in a situation where he knew he would have to beg and undergo. « You’re a bastard! » He growls, pouting a bit to show that this is cheating « Is it your decision? » Javier’s smirk is even bigger when he sees that he is winning, John’s expression already saying that he will submit without arguing, without having any fight. « Señor Escuella, do you want me to suck you? » He says, deciding that he will not abdicate too fast, he can still brat, he can still provoke, so he says it with a nasty tone, a proud and a vain one. One that will make Javier put him in his place.

« No, no need for that mi puto. You can save your throat for now, but the proposition would have been nice if only it was said with more… respect, right chico? But I know what you need. » He takes John by the arms and gets up with him before sitting on the ground and make John take off his pants before sitting on Javier. The Scottish watches his man for a moment, watches his smirk and curious and amused eyes and he knows that he will really like what’s coming. When he decides to kiss him, he receives a loud and hurtful spank. He jumps a bit, taken aback and before he can say anything, Javier gets ahead from him « Don’t do anything until I told you to. Just enjoy Johnny. » he bites his neck that is not covered by any fabric and John moans in Javier’s ear at every spank, feeling the flesh breaking again at the attack, feeling the tongue licking the blood with avidity and he can’t do anything. Can’t kiss, can’t touch, can’t stroke, can’t rub himself against Javier, maybe he can’t even say anything. But well, he says he can’t do anything, not that he can’t speak, so he takes his chance: « Señor Escuella, more. Fuck, need to touch you. » He teases the man even more by murmuring it inside his ear, threatening to disobey by letting his lips touch Javier’s skin, letting his tongue go freely. And for that he gets another very hard spank which makes him arch a bit, closing his eyes and breathing louder, panting. John still wonders how it’s possible that it feels so good, that this hand which hit him makes him trembles and moan like a needy bitch, he doesn’t understand how it can be that powerful, how it can make him feel so good. He brushes his lips against Javier’s neck but does nothing more, letting Javier do whatever he wants with him instead.

« You will do that soon enough cariño. Promise. But keep begging, you’re so good at that, be my good boy, beg for me John. » He whispers against his skin, his teeth brushing it sensually, his fingers grabbing his hips with force, leaving marks behind them when one goes under his shirt on his back and the other on his ass, massaging it a bit, like if Javier cares about the burning sting, trying to make the pain go away, but John knows better. He knows that it’s just the calm before the storm. And so he does like his mister Javier told him to, he begs, nuzzling inside the Mexican’s neck at the same time « Please, don’t stop, Señor Escuella, don’t. Do everything you want. I’ll be a good boy, will not brat. I’m good right. Señor Escuella, I want to fuck, want you now. » and he loves to feel Javier’s boner twitching and hardening even more so much (if that possible lol) against him, and God, he can’t wait anymore, he wants to do it now, to be fucked right fucking now. But Javier likes making them wait, making them both go mad with need and sex desire. What wouldn’t he do for this man. What wouldn’t he take for him. 

He receives a few more spanks, hard, very hard ones like he predicted, and he’s now a shivering mess, he dick throbbing because he feels he’s close, he loves the spank too much for his own good. But Javier really loves giving them to him too much. He keeps his head on Javier’s hollow neck, breathing his scent like it’s a drug, some opium he took when he was recovering from his scars, to make the pain go away a little. And it’s as much hovering, as much intoxicating than Javier’s scent. Hell. He’s lost, he will never go to heaven at this rate! He’s too much addicted to this man, too much in need for him, of his sins. Yeah, he’s more a bad boy than a good one. That makes him smile but pants directly when this beautiful hand lightly touches is dick, like if Javier is now a ghost. He opens his eyes, looking straight in Javier’s, breathing loudly and says, his voice coiled up with lust: « Can I touch you now? Can you just fuck me Javier? » He catches up quickly his little mistake, having forgotten his politeness for a moment « Señor Escuella. » and that makes Javier giggle, kissing him roughly after answering « Of course. ».

Javier’s tongue meets his and it’s like they are dancing in their mouths, like Javier wants to invade every part of him, attacking his mouth and his tongue by biting it, like if he is still afraid that John is not his. Which is pretty stupid for the Scottish because he can’t do that with anyone else, can’t even think of it. Don’t even want to. And God help him, he could even accept to be his for real. Yeah, he’s fucked up. He knows that.

He puts his hands around Javier’s neck and nips at his lips when he gives him the chance and the time to do it, rubbing himself against the hand that strokes him so well, his fingers making their way in the dark hair. He whines softly when Javier stops touching his cock but he keeps his mouth on his and then the Mexican whispers secretly and possessively against his collar bone, his breath brushing the sensitive skin « Mine. I’ll make sure that you don’t forget. Never. She will never have you, you hear me? I should mark you as mine, breed you, if only that was possible. Then you’ll be only mine and everyone will know if I could just do it, crave my name on you, make you mine. Just mine. » With that said he rubs his hands on John thighs and looks at him with an intense fire in his eyes that makes John’s belly squirm and warm up with pleasure, a powerful sensation coming from his insides and threatening to blow out, making him wanting to be only what Javier wants him to be. He manages to mumble back, his eyes lock on Javier’s, like if he is in a trance, like he is hypnotized by this man, he smiles strangely, a bit lost with everything that happened to him today, about this words and his brain is confused, a veil covers all his thoughts « Told you I’m yours, believe me for once, fuck. All these bite marks don’t mean anything? Really? I like them, you should too. Can’t have your name in my skin but I can have the blade. Man, you’re the one who fucks me, stop thinking and do. Whatever you want. Whatever you want. » 

They look at each other’s eyes for a few seconds, breathing in the air of the other, letting the atmosphere going thick with what they’re feelings, with their needs and lust until Javier pushes two fingers in John’s mouth who sucks it greedily, wetting it, not stopping to look at each other while he does it. « Good boy. » it’s said in one breath, making John’s heart beam with joy and pleasure, sucking the fingers harder and with more attention, wanting to be really good for once. No bratting. Not now, not today. Not when Javier needs him submissive and obliging. The Mexican pulls the fingers out at one moment, a smirk on his deadly lips, and then pushes them this time in John’s hole without more ceremony and watches his sub squirming and panting with lust at this intrusion. « So fucking good, you’re so good. » John can’t keep it for himself, feeling that he has to praise his man, to make him feel secure by all means, even if it has to go too far, to cross the line, whatever this line is, he’s ready for it, ready to take a new step in their relationship. He’s ready. So fucking ready. « Your ass loves that hum? You love when I fuck you with my fingers, needy whore. » John was sure that Javier would give him a filthy nickname and he shivers at that, answering after he kisses him sloppily, his hands exploring his body, exposing some dark skin with his palms « Yeah. God, go deeper. Señor Escuella. » he yelps when it meets his prostate, the pleasure hitting his whole body in one strike and he’s already wanting and longing for Javier’s cock to go inside and make him full. He clings at the Mexican’s clothes and moans, moving his hips at the same time to follow the fingers rhythm, his eyes closed again. 

But the golden fingers get out and for a moment, John is nearly wondering why he stopped, his mind to foggy right now to think clearly but he immediately understands why when Javier pushes him on the ground to get on top of him after that, finally releasing his dick which is surely hurtful, being contained inside the pants during so many minutes. He hears him pushing a sigh of satisfaction at his freedom and strokes his penis slowly, before bowing in John’s direction, a nasty smile on his lips while he says « You want it perrito? » And of fucking course he wants it! He doesn’t even have to answer to that, he simply grabs him by the collar before kissing him hardly and opening his legs to let him enter, nearly screaming when he does it, when he doesn’t waste any more time before going straight inside and wince at that. This asshole forgot to spit a bit more to make the one go smoother. Right now it’s a bit more hurtful than pleasurable. Not that he will complain a lot about it because Javier seems to guess that and doesn’t move any more, he just stays buried deep in John, enjoying the tightness he already has. John takes that time to finally try to breathe normally, to catch it, to feel the air go inside his chest, making it easier to manage the pain. Well, soon enough it doesn’t really hurt anymore and like he’s a bit of a maso, this is not a problem for him, it’s the contrary. He just doesn’t want to bleed from the ass, it’s so sickening and annoying when it happens. And well, it’s a bit hurtful after sex for other matters and really, he doesn’t want to experiment this again. One accidental time was enough for him. And for Javier who was really sorry and worried for him after that. No need for that so. 

« Can I move cariño? » He asks, his voice coiled in need, in desire and is so thick, so heavy that it makes John shivering and whimpering, closing his long legs around Javier’s waist, his hands on Javier’s lower abdomen, watching as much as he can the cock inside him, biting his lip hardly before nodding. He understands why Javier always looks down there, it’s fucking exciting. It’s so… Perverse, so depraved. He’s strongly blushing and Javier begins to pound in him, going on an easy rhythm, looking for now at his own dick going out and in, his fingers leaving bruises all over his body, wherever they pause themselves. « You’re so fucking hot. » he growls and at that the Scottish smiles devilishly, enjoying the effect he has on his man. And also because Javier can’t see himself and so doesn’t know how much he is sexy as fuck himself! 

The Mexican fucks him deeper, going as far as he can every time, making John sees stars, his eyes finally focusing on him, they look at each other and go on another kiss, Javier eating his mouth more than anything else and John adores that and so, he squeezes his legs even more, trying to get Javier deeper in him and this act makes them both gasp and it cuts their kiss at the same time. John moans and whines pitifully, begging to have more, to be fucked harder and Javier gives him that, bumping in his ass with strength, bowing his head to sink his teeth in John’s shoulder, biting harshly into the flesh, making John moaning and Javier grumbling, like he’s ready to eat him for real. « Goddamn it, fuck! Javier. Please. » He doesn’t know what he begs for but he does it, not caring about any sense that it could have, Javier can interpret what he just said as he wants and it seems that it is what he does, his nails scratching his thighs before speaking low, his voice making John panting loudly and getting his dick harder like always when he talks to him like that « What perrito? What do you need? You want my knife? You want me to fuck your brain out, or maybe fuck you until you cry or even forget your own fucking name? Guess that you only be filled with me and my cock, that wouldn’t be so bad hm? Buen chico, te follaré tan fuerte, you’re already going crazy. Can feel it. Can see it. You’re mine. Just mine, puto. _Only. Fucking. Mine_. Mío. Maybe you just want me to talk dirty to you, like now. Maybe you want to be spank. You need to be specific when you beg John, can’t guess everything. Need details. »

John can say that Javier is really a jealous motherfucker, he can’t stop blabbering about Abigail being on the way and how much he’s his. Not that it a problem for John, he loves when Javier is jealous, but he can tell that he’s crazy jealous and possessive when he’s drunk too. He already is very much possessive when he’s sober but it’s far worse when he’s completely drunk. And he knows why. And he knows what all of this means. God, he loves this filthy mouth too much, these dirty words, the hands going everywhere and touching him in the most intimate space, his whole body so hot and so beautiful, hell, even his hair, his beard and everything in him make him ache in desire and love. He needs him. As much as Javier needs John. 

Javier gives a very good stroke, hitting the magic spot with full intensity and John muffles his loud moans, nearly yells of pleasure in Javier’s nape, closing his eyes and whimpering, trying to breathe again but Javier doesn’t give him time and continues his pelvis shots, his hips bumping loudly against John’s ass and thighs. He pants so much that he can only hardly responds to what Javier has said to him, his eyes closed because hell, he can’t keep them open for now, he’s too gone for that « Want all. Give me all you asshole. I’m coming. Javier, just do it. » He kisses Javier’s neck as much as he can, leaving some red marks and he loves that, and loves to hear Javier’s breath becoming more unsteady, more shaky at what he says and does. And he gives him what he asked for, gives him the knife, gives him the dirty words, gives him tears and makes a fucking big hole in his head, like nothing exists in this world apart from them. He takes the blade under John’s throat, threatening to break the fragile skin, pushing just enough to make it hurt but not as much to bruise, to make John bleed. Like he said, he fucks his brain out, he makes him forget everything else and it’s good. He’s gripping at Javier like a mad man who’s still pounding in him, like he wants to make sure that he strikes the golden point each time or almost, or even to breed him for real. Well, not like it could happen but he still does. « Love you so much. » John whispers in a cry, feeling the Mexican kiss his jaw line and his cheek bone in a rush, catching his lips after his sentence, the kiss being passionate and nearly desperate. And John can feel the knife breaking his skin in the hollow of his right hip, tracing a cross on it. « Me too. Te amo demasiado. ».

Javier is nearly rutting in him and John comes so hard that he sees blank for a while, lost in his orgasm, feeling only Javier’s sperm sink into his ass, making him push a satiated sigh. He sees his face while he comes, nearly at the same time as the Scottish. And hell, if he wasn’t so exhausted he would become hard again and be a fucking brat to have another round. It’s not the first time that he sees Javier’s face while coming but it doesn’t happen so much, most of the time he is lost in his own pleasure and residue of it to not being really here when Javier comes. More like he sees without seeing. He can guess his expression but not clearly see it. And it’s a shame. A real shame. 

The Mexican gets out of him and while he puts his dick back in his pants, he sits down in front of John and watches him with soft eyes, his breath being jerky just like John. They stay like that a moment, bringing their strength and breath together, letting the wind caressing their face and soothing them gently, making the sweat go a bit away. They end up getting up, Javier helping John to get dressed and they share chaste kisses when they do it before deciding to go back at the camp. 

While walking John can feel Javier’s eyes on him and so he turns to him and asks:

« What? Why are you looking at my ass? You want to do it again? » he teases, knowing that Javier surely wants one thing and it’s to eat. And then to sleep. And John wants it too. 

« No. Just a real nice ass you’ve got here, don’t you think? » he answers joking, a smile on his lips and that makes John chuckle.

« I know, America is something right? It’s why Mexico always tries to invade it. »

They both laugh on their way and John can see out of the corner of his eye that Javier still looks at him, but not specifically at his butt. No. He looks at how he walks, because he limps. So, to prevent any commentary on that fact he says:

« Don’t you think that I limp so sexily? »

« Of course. It’s why Mexico can't stop its invasion. »

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, still hope that I didn't antagonize Abigail because really, the whole point of this story is to show how much their situation is a goddamn mess so no one is perfect or the victim or the bad one in here.


End file.
